Desperate prayer for desperate times

Dear Lord,

I now admit that I didn't know what I was going into when I decided to marry a single dad. I didn't know that I have to deal with so much emotional, psychological, and even spiritual pain.

Why does it hurt so much to share my husband with someone else. I can see that my husband adores his daughter a lot and enjoys being with her. He is excited to spend time with her whether planned or unplanned. He takes her in during weekend without consulting me and thinks that it's ok. That it won't bother me.

He is excited to spend time with her more than he is excited to go on a date with me. I find myself constantly battling to be loved and noticed and cherished and treated the way he does love, notice, cherish and treat his daughter. I find myself constantly reminding, even nagging my husband about my place in his priorities. Oftentimes he tells me that I am his priority, but what I feel is far from the truth.

Lord, I was not ready for this role yet I know that this is a choice I made. I oftentimes think that I have made a wrong choice. I had a choice but I chose to marry a single dad. It is ultimately my fault that I am in this situation and there is no one else to blame. And so, there is no I can run to for comfort, not even you. I keep thinking that you will only tell me, "You have made your choice. You have to stand by it and even bear it."

My husband almost died this year and I remember praying that you extend his life. I said I will take care of him even though he ended up vegetative. I wonder now, "Where you trying to spare me from a lifetime of despair and sadness?" Is this what I have to pay for asking You to prolong his life?

Lord, I never thought that I will have these thoughts. You know that I try to please You with my life as best as I can, but I know that I have to be honest with you. I feel trapped. I don't want to divorce him because that is not pleasing to you. I don't want to wish anyone's death in order to end this sorrow. I can't just go missing and leave my husband because that will be unrighteous and that will only make my life miserable. But, sometimes, I do think that it is better that you take me instead so that I can live my life in peace.

Lord, I never thought that I would be so desperate for love and attention and affection from my husband. The irony of it all is that I am actually feeling less and less "in love" with him. I can't find a reason to be married to him right now. Yet, why do I want his attention? Why do I want him to prioritize me?

Sometimes I wish I can just live a single life again. Sometimes I wish I can just live my life without him again. We can live in the same house but not have to care for each other. We can be friends but I don't need to submit to him and his decisions don't affect me. Sometimes I wish I can live my life unaffected by his decisions in life.

Lord, I pray that you rescue me from this ordeal. I am about to give up and am afraid to give up. I have seen how you've answered my prayers and I am afraid of how you'll choose to answer this prayer. I pray that it will result to something that edifies people and draw people closer to You. Something that glorifies you.

I am tempted to look for quick relief because I have battled with so much battles this year. So much of me just want to give up God -- to look for the easy way out -- so that I can have peace and rest. But I know that more often than not, the right path is narrow and is not easy. Lord, I am just tired of fighting. Please shorten my agony.

Lord, if only my husband can understand what I am going through. If only he can be more sensitive to me and more able to handle his role in my life. If only he can be a joy, and not a burden to me. Lord, I can't make him but you can.

Lord, please come rescue me as you've always done. I cling on to You for hope. There is nowhere else. I have turned to people, books, even the Bible, but have not found long lasting relief. Lord, only You know what can help me. Please show me Lord. Please show me. Amen.