I expected that marriage is going to be fairy tale where my husband always cares about me and always comes to my rescue.
I thought that my husband was the most vulnerable man I've ever met and that we will understand each other and connect in a deep level.
I expected that because we are both disciples, we will put each other's interests above ourselves.
I expected that because I am a disciple, I can accept all situations whole heartedly and follow Jesus joyfully.
I expected that my husband will lead me spiritually and we will help each other become beter disciples.
I expected that we will both enjoy spending special times with God and praying long prayers to God.
I expected that it will be easy for me to become a stepmom and love my stepchild and her mom effortlessly.
I expected that God will give us victory for our every good, godly intention and goal.
I expected that I will overcome my struggles in a short period of time.
I expected that my husband has everything under control and will provide a roof above my head and our future family.
I expected that my husband is a good businessman who handles his finances well.
I expected that building friendships will be easy because we all belong to God's family.
I expected that life in the states will be more comfortable and our needs will be more easily met.
I expected that I will learn to adjust to changes easily because I have gone through so much in my life and have met a lot of people in my life.
I expected that because I am a disciple, my life will be blessed and my family will be blessed through my life.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Actions to take
Actions I have to take:
1. Change my healthplan.
October 29.
2. Schedule a doctor's appointment.
The next available day after confirming health insurance.
3. Browse lifestyle and health books in the library. Look for health and beauty tips.
October 23 after breakfast.
4. Brisk walking or exercise every morning for 20 minutes.
Don't compromise.
5. Goals:
* Get my driver's license and get my own car
* Be pregnant this year
* Buy/Rent our own place by next year or in 2 years
* Find a craft or a hobby, be an active club member of something
* Support Bulacan church every month
* Careerwise: Bring to realization the "home-schooling" idea
* Study while with Wells Fargo. Become a banker
* Go gold with my sales without taking advantage of anyone
* All family disciples
6. Personal support system:
* Find a local stepmothers' group in MN
* Babes, Kathryn, Terry, Kathy, Marie Arcellana
7. Consider taking therapy.
6. Schedule get togethers
1. Change my healthplan.
October 29.
2. Schedule a doctor's appointment.
The next available day after confirming health insurance.
3. Browse lifestyle and health books in the library. Look for health and beauty tips.
October 23 after breakfast.
4. Brisk walking or exercise every morning for 20 minutes.
Don't compromise.
5. Goals:
* Get my driver's license and get my own car
* Be pregnant this year
* Buy/Rent our own place by next year or in 2 years
* Find a craft or a hobby, be an active club member of something
* Support Bulacan church every month
* Careerwise: Bring to realization the "home-schooling" idea
* Study while with Wells Fargo. Become a banker
* Go gold with my sales without taking advantage of anyone
* All family disciples
6. Personal support system:
* Find a local stepmothers' group in MN
* Babes, Kathryn, Terry, Kathy, Marie Arcellana
7. Consider taking therapy.
6. Schedule get togethers
Enlightened stepmom's portrait, Part 2
1. What are some of your characteristics that you are not so happy with?
* Needing approval and appreciation a lot
* Wanting to be right all the time
* Emotional and needy
* Lacks fun and excitement in life
* Easy to lose interest or give up
* Can be critical at times
* Can be harsh at times
* Not very sociable (not outgoing)
* Not sure what to do with life and career for long term
* Poor in math and logic
* People-pleasing (wanting everyone to be happy)
2. Activities that make me feel good?
* Reading books ( a trip to the library )
* Prayer times with good friends
* Hotel check-in
* Studying the Bible with people
* Hanging out with my family (esp Filipino side)
* Going on prayer times with my husband (which is seldom)
* Exercise
* Rebonding my hair
* Shopping clothes that are in fashion
* Soulful worship
* Directing stage presentations
* Blogging my thoughts
* Talking to my best friends (I miss Kathy!)
* Eating good food
* Receiving monetary gifts from family
* Buying Christmas gifts and giving them
3. Things that make me sad
* My husband not sticking with our plans and agreements (destroying our trust fir his daughter)
* My husband not liking it when I pray long
* Our marriage not spiritually inspiring
* Thoughts of my husband's ex-fiance and daughter. Just the thought that I can never have a normal marriage and family life.
* When my sister makes poor choices in her relationship
* When any family member is sick
* When the church is struggling
* When my husband does not stick to his word and makes decisions that only favor him
* That we have a lot of debts and we can't move out from my in-laws coz we have to pay all those debts
* We can't afford to have a baby (may God provide)
* My husband being scared of his ex-fiance
* Sad and troublesome news
* Not balancing at work
* Making mistakes (esp, dumb ones)
4. When was the last time you had a complete physical? Next papsmear and mammogram?
* December 2006
* Want to get pregnant this year
* Scared to find tumors coz a lot of women are having them
5. What pleases me?
* A clean home
* A sensitive, loving, spiritual husband
* Family of disciples
* Surprise gifts, heartfelt cards from loved ones
* Freedom
* Beautiful, peaceful scenery
* Exciting trip
* Seeing my family again
... I'd like to be less needy of my husband. Able to do things on my own. Find my identity and purpose that's not necessarily related to my marriage and family life. I'd like to be able to live even when he's not there and not be very affected by his own decisions for his life.
I'd like to be a woman who can hold it up without a need for her husband's affection.
* Needing approval and appreciation a lot
* Wanting to be right all the time
* Emotional and needy
* Lacks fun and excitement in life
* Easy to lose interest or give up
* Can be critical at times
* Can be harsh at times
* Not very sociable (not outgoing)
* Not sure what to do with life and career for long term
* Poor in math and logic
* People-pleasing (wanting everyone to be happy)
2. Activities that make me feel good?
* Reading books ( a trip to the library )
* Prayer times with good friends
* Hotel check-in
* Studying the Bible with people
* Hanging out with my family (esp Filipino side)
* Going on prayer times with my husband (which is seldom)
* Exercise
* Rebonding my hair
* Shopping clothes that are in fashion
* Soulful worship
* Directing stage presentations
* Blogging my thoughts
* Talking to my best friends (I miss Kathy!)
* Eating good food
* Receiving monetary gifts from family
* Buying Christmas gifts and giving them
3. Things that make me sad
* My husband not sticking with our plans and agreements (destroying our trust fir his daughter)
* My husband not liking it when I pray long
* Our marriage not spiritually inspiring
* Thoughts of my husband's ex-fiance and daughter. Just the thought that I can never have a normal marriage and family life.
* When my sister makes poor choices in her relationship
* When any family member is sick
* When the church is struggling
* When my husband does not stick to his word and makes decisions that only favor him
* That we have a lot of debts and we can't move out from my in-laws coz we have to pay all those debts
* We can't afford to have a baby (may God provide)
* My husband being scared of his ex-fiance
* Sad and troublesome news
* Not balancing at work
* Making mistakes (esp, dumb ones)
4. When was the last time you had a complete physical? Next papsmear and mammogram?
* December 2006
* Want to get pregnant this year
* Scared to find tumors coz a lot of women are having them
5. What pleases me?
* A clean home
* A sensitive, loving, spiritual husband
* Family of disciples
* Surprise gifts, heartfelt cards from loved ones
* Freedom
* Beautiful, peaceful scenery
* Exciting trip
* Seeing my family again
... I'd like to be less needy of my husband. Able to do things on my own. Find my identity and purpose that's not necessarily related to my marriage and family life. I'd like to be able to live even when he's not there and not be very affected by his own decisions for his life.
I'd like to be a woman who can hold it up without a need for her husband's affection.
Desperate prayer for desperate times
Dear Lord,
I now admit that I didn't know what I was going into when I decided to marry a single dad. I didn't know that I have to deal with so much emotional, psychological, and even spiritual pain.
Why does it hurt so much to share my husband with someone else. I can see that my husband adores his daughter a lot and enjoys being with her. He is excited to spend time with her whether planned or unplanned. He takes her in during weekend without consulting me and thinks that it's ok. That it won't bother me.
He is excited to spend time with her more than he is excited to go on a date with me. I find myself constantly battling to be loved and noticed and cherished and treated the way he does love, notice, cherish and treat his daughter. I find myself constantly reminding, even nagging my husband about my place in his priorities. Oftentimes he tells me that I am his priority, but what I feel is far from the truth.
Lord, I was not ready for this role yet I know that this is a choice I made. I oftentimes think that I have made a wrong choice. I had a choice but I chose to marry a single dad. It is ultimately my fault that I am in this situation and there is no one else to blame. And so, there is no I can run to for comfort, not even you. I keep thinking that you will only tell me, "You have made your choice. You have to stand by it and even bear it."
My husband almost died this year and I remember praying that you extend his life. I said I will take care of him even though he ended up vegetative. I wonder now, "Where you trying to spare me from a lifetime of despair and sadness?" Is this what I have to pay for asking You to prolong his life?
Lord, I never thought that I will have these thoughts. You know that I try to please You with my life as best as I can, but I know that I have to be honest with you. I feel trapped. I don't want to divorce him because that is not pleasing to you. I don't want to wish anyone's death in order to end this sorrow. I can't just go missing and leave my husband because that will be unrighteous and that will only make my life miserable. But, sometimes, I do think that it is better that you take me instead so that I can live my life in peace.
Lord, I never thought that I would be so desperate for love and attention and affection from my husband. The irony of it all is that I am actually feeling less and less "in love" with him. I can't find a reason to be married to him right now. Yet, why do I want his attention? Why do I want him to prioritize me?
Sometimes I wish I can just live a single life again. Sometimes I wish I can just live my life without him again. We can live in the same house but not have to care for each other. We can be friends but I don't need to submit to him and his decisions don't affect me. Sometimes I wish I can live my life unaffected by his decisions in life.
Lord, I pray that you rescue me from this ordeal. I am about to give up and am afraid to give up. I have seen how you've answered my prayers and I am afraid of how you'll choose to answer this prayer. I pray that it will result to something that edifies people and draw people closer to You. Something that glorifies you.
I am tempted to look for quick relief because I have battled with so much battles this year. So much of me just want to give up God -- to look for the easy way out -- so that I can have peace and rest. But I know that more often than not, the right path is narrow and is not easy. Lord, I am just tired of fighting. Please shorten my agony.
Lord, if only my husband can understand what I am going through. If only he can be more sensitive to me and more able to handle his role in my life. If only he can be a joy, and not a burden to me. Lord, I can't make him but you can.
Lord, please come rescue me as you've always done. I cling on to You for hope. There is nowhere else. I have turned to people, books, even the Bible, but have not found long lasting relief. Lord, only You know what can help me. Please show me Lord. Please show me. Amen.
I now admit that I didn't know what I was going into when I decided to marry a single dad. I didn't know that I have to deal with so much emotional, psychological, and even spiritual pain.
Why does it hurt so much to share my husband with someone else. I can see that my husband adores his daughter a lot and enjoys being with her. He is excited to spend time with her whether planned or unplanned. He takes her in during weekend without consulting me and thinks that it's ok. That it won't bother me.
He is excited to spend time with her more than he is excited to go on a date with me. I find myself constantly battling to be loved and noticed and cherished and treated the way he does love, notice, cherish and treat his daughter. I find myself constantly reminding, even nagging my husband about my place in his priorities. Oftentimes he tells me that I am his priority, but what I feel is far from the truth.
Lord, I was not ready for this role yet I know that this is a choice I made. I oftentimes think that I have made a wrong choice. I had a choice but I chose to marry a single dad. It is ultimately my fault that I am in this situation and there is no one else to blame. And so, there is no I can run to for comfort, not even you. I keep thinking that you will only tell me, "You have made your choice. You have to stand by it and even bear it."
My husband almost died this year and I remember praying that you extend his life. I said I will take care of him even though he ended up vegetative. I wonder now, "Where you trying to spare me from a lifetime of despair and sadness?" Is this what I have to pay for asking You to prolong his life?
Lord, I never thought that I will have these thoughts. You know that I try to please You with my life as best as I can, but I know that I have to be honest with you. I feel trapped. I don't want to divorce him because that is not pleasing to you. I don't want to wish anyone's death in order to end this sorrow. I can't just go missing and leave my husband because that will be unrighteous and that will only make my life miserable. But, sometimes, I do think that it is better that you take me instead so that I can live my life in peace.
Lord, I never thought that I would be so desperate for love and attention and affection from my husband. The irony of it all is that I am actually feeling less and less "in love" with him. I can't find a reason to be married to him right now. Yet, why do I want his attention? Why do I want him to prioritize me?
Sometimes I wish I can just live a single life again. Sometimes I wish I can just live my life without him again. We can live in the same house but not have to care for each other. We can be friends but I don't need to submit to him and his decisions don't affect me. Sometimes I wish I can live my life unaffected by his decisions in life.
Lord, I pray that you rescue me from this ordeal. I am about to give up and am afraid to give up. I have seen how you've answered my prayers and I am afraid of how you'll choose to answer this prayer. I pray that it will result to something that edifies people and draw people closer to You. Something that glorifies you.
I am tempted to look for quick relief because I have battled with so much battles this year. So much of me just want to give up God -- to look for the easy way out -- so that I can have peace and rest. But I know that more often than not, the right path is narrow and is not easy. Lord, I am just tired of fighting. Please shorten my agony.
Lord, if only my husband can understand what I am going through. If only he can be more sensitive to me and more able to handle his role in my life. If only he can be a joy, and not a burden to me. Lord, I can't make him but you can.
Lord, please come rescue me as you've always done. I cling on to You for hope. There is nowhere else. I have turned to people, books, even the Bible, but have not found long lasting relief. Lord, only You know what can help me. Please show me Lord. Please show me. Amen.
Unhappy wife
I am becoming an unhappy wife.
I am unhappy that I have to sacrifice a lot in order to make our marriage work.
I have to help pay all my husband's debts.
I have to accept that he has a daughter from another woman who will forever be able to make demands of him.
I have to accept that 20% of my husband's income should go to his daughter.
I am constantly affected by his unplanned appointment scheduling with his daughter (without considering me).
I think that he is not able to make me his priority although he says that he does.
I am unhappy that I have to sacrifice a lot in order to make our marriage work.
I have to help pay all my husband's debts.
I have to accept that he has a daughter from another woman who will forever be able to make demands of him.
I have to accept that 20% of my husband's income should go to his daughter.
I am constantly affected by his unplanned appointment scheduling with his daughter (without considering me).
I think that he is not able to make me his priority although he says that he does.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
1 Self portrait (answers to questions in "The Elightened Stepmother" book
"Consider your personality and goals -- what makes you tick and what do you want out of life? The more you acknowledge what you are comfortable with, how you react to various situations, and what fulfills your particular needs, the better prpared you will be for your new life."
1. List all the qualities you like about yourself, including personality characteristics and skills:
* Has a spiritual sense of purpose
* Persevering and faithful
* Strives to live life for God
* Good listener
* Desires to rise above average
* Has deep friendships
* Likes good and wholesome fun
* Comes from a strong family background
* Wants to do whats right and pleasing to God
* Talented: writes, sings, dances, acts, directs
* Has good and deep insights in life
* Warm and friendly
* Able to relate to different kinds of people
* Confident in God's love
* Hardworking
* Dedicated and passionate
2. List what you consider to be your greates accomplishments, personal and career-related:
* Became a disciple of Jesus
* Reached out to parents and cousin
* Leader of campus ministry: counseled hundreds of women and helped them emotionally and spiritually
* Valedictorian in ES and HS
* Youth leader
* Preached in the pulpit at age 11
* Overcame an intense circumstance in life by faith: husband almost dying
* Won several singing, acting, and academic contests
* Careerwise: SWEEP (event management)
3. Are you happy with yourself right now? If not why? What actions do you want to take to improve satisfaction with yourself? What do you need from others to enhance your happiness?
* Not happy. Facing a lot of adjustments. Sad about the fact that I would never be able to have just my own family. I have stepdaughter and my husband adores her. My stepdaughter has a mom who can make certain demands of my husband. My husband can not decide just for our family but always has to consider his daughter. I can never have just a normal family life. My husband will always be torned in making decisions.
Not feeling prioritized. My husband is exhibiting unusual joy when his daughter is here but is sad when we're alone. Dates are unplanned.
* To improve satisfaction with myself, I have to be resolved about the circumstance I have chosen for myself and find peace and joy in it. I need divine intervention to make that happen. I need to accept God's direction and be happy with it. I have to find joy and happiness outside just being with my husband. I have to find a greater purpose in being a stepmom other than just accepting it and trying to be happy about it.
* I need my husband to be excited about our marriage and to be affectionate to me. I hope his ex-fiancee could be less demanding and more understanding of the changes in their lives. I am now here and starting a family with my husband. Hope she understands that and considers everyone's interests. Hope Alyssa can be more giving.
* I hope I can be near family members or close friends. Hope I can join an organization or support group that can help me get out of myself and give. I hope to find a greated purpose for my situation.
4. List everyting, major and minor, currently happening in your life that is contributing to your happiness.
* Praise and recognition in the office.
* Husband reassuring me of his love and telling me how grateful he is to have me in his life.
* Seeing my stepdaughter enjoying her times with us.
* Hearing great news about my parents' spiritual growth
* My cousin wanting to be restored to God.
* Balancing my cash drawer or not going over or under $3.
* Worshipping and singing songs to God and listening to an awesome message
* Finding and reading a good book
* Watching an interesting movie
* Meeting Filipinos in MN
* Times with Terry
* Getting together with sisters on saturdays
* Winning a PTO at work
* Discovering insights from the Bible
* Having quality times with God
* Checking-in a hotel with my husband
* Receiving e-mails from friends
5. Is there anything that is troubling you right now? What is it? What do you believe you could or should do to improve the situation or alleviate the problem?
* Not balancing cash drawer at work: carefully do all my transactions
* Anxious to make a sale: just pray to have the opportunity to help people today and to have the right heart in helping them
* Sad about the demands made of my husband by another woman: Pray about the demands and get wisdom from God and be resolved
* Can't move out of my in-laws house because no money: Be faithful in saving money and look forward to God's deliverance.
* Debtors running after us: Pay all possible debts and get them off our backs
* Dates with husband that are not happening: Cooperate in planning them
* Anxious in having a baby coz of finances.
* Sad to be away from family and friends: Call them frequently and build new friendships.
* Jealousy about my husband's affection to his daughter: Pray to love stepdaughter as my own and love my husband
* Joe not sticking to our planned schedule with his daughter and going out with his daughter in unplanned times: Keep a schedule of my own on weekends when his daughter is not scheduled so that he can't disrupt the flow of my life/weekend. Set "my own" weekends.
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.
1. List all the qualities you like about yourself, including personality characteristics and skills:
* Has a spiritual sense of purpose
* Persevering and faithful
* Strives to live life for God
* Good listener
* Desires to rise above average
* Has deep friendships
* Likes good and wholesome fun
* Comes from a strong family background
* Wants to do whats right and pleasing to God
* Talented: writes, sings, dances, acts, directs
* Has good and deep insights in life
* Warm and friendly
* Able to relate to different kinds of people
* Confident in God's love
* Hardworking
* Dedicated and passionate
2. List what you consider to be your greates accomplishments, personal and career-related:
* Became a disciple of Jesus
* Reached out to parents and cousin
* Leader of campus ministry: counseled hundreds of women and helped them emotionally and spiritually
* Valedictorian in ES and HS
* Youth leader
* Preached in the pulpit at age 11
* Overcame an intense circumstance in life by faith: husband almost dying
* Won several singing, acting, and academic contests
* Careerwise: SWEEP (event management)
3. Are you happy with yourself right now? If not why? What actions do you want to take to improve satisfaction with yourself? What do you need from others to enhance your happiness?
* Not happy. Facing a lot of adjustments. Sad about the fact that I would never be able to have just my own family. I have stepdaughter and my husband adores her. My stepdaughter has a mom who can make certain demands of my husband. My husband can not decide just for our family but always has to consider his daughter. I can never have just a normal family life. My husband will always be torned in making decisions.
Not feeling prioritized. My husband is exhibiting unusual joy when his daughter is here but is sad when we're alone. Dates are unplanned.
* To improve satisfaction with myself, I have to be resolved about the circumstance I have chosen for myself and find peace and joy in it. I need divine intervention to make that happen. I need to accept God's direction and be happy with it. I have to find joy and happiness outside just being with my husband. I have to find a greater purpose in being a stepmom other than just accepting it and trying to be happy about it.
* I need my husband to be excited about our marriage and to be affectionate to me. I hope his ex-fiancee could be less demanding and more understanding of the changes in their lives. I am now here and starting a family with my husband. Hope she understands that and considers everyone's interests. Hope Alyssa can be more giving.
* I hope I can be near family members or close friends. Hope I can join an organization or support group that can help me get out of myself and give. I hope to find a greated purpose for my situation.
4. List everyting, major and minor, currently happening in your life that is contributing to your happiness.
* Praise and recognition in the office.
* Husband reassuring me of his love and telling me how grateful he is to have me in his life.
* Seeing my stepdaughter enjoying her times with us.
* Hearing great news about my parents' spiritual growth
* My cousin wanting to be restored to God.
* Balancing my cash drawer or not going over or under $3.
* Worshipping and singing songs to God and listening to an awesome message
* Finding and reading a good book
* Watching an interesting movie
* Meeting Filipinos in MN
* Times with Terry
* Getting together with sisters on saturdays
* Winning a PTO at work
* Discovering insights from the Bible
* Having quality times with God
* Checking-in a hotel with my husband
* Receiving e-mails from friends
5. Is there anything that is troubling you right now? What is it? What do you believe you could or should do to improve the situation or alleviate the problem?
* Not balancing cash drawer at work: carefully do all my transactions
* Anxious to make a sale: just pray to have the opportunity to help people today and to have the right heart in helping them
* Sad about the demands made of my husband by another woman: Pray about the demands and get wisdom from God and be resolved
* Can't move out of my in-laws house because no money: Be faithful in saving money and look forward to God's deliverance.
* Debtors running after us: Pay all possible debts and get them off our backs
* Dates with husband that are not happening: Cooperate in planning them
* Anxious in having a baby coz of finances.
* Sad to be away from family and friends: Call them frequently and build new friendships.
* Jealousy about my husband's affection to his daughter: Pray to love stepdaughter as my own and love my husband
* Joe not sticking to our planned schedule with his daughter and going out with his daughter in unplanned times: Keep a schedule of my own on weekends when his daughter is not scheduled so that he can't disrupt the flow of my life/weekend. Set "my own" weekends.
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.
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