MOTHERHOOD: What my baby taught me about prayer

I told my husband that Dayton is already showing some of his personality. He is definitely not a passive little man. He will let you know when he needs something. I guess most babies do but I have a feeling my baby has some assertive ways of doing it.

When he cries, I get really disturbed and sometimes frustrated. This morning, I felt tempted to get frustrated and I realized why some mommies lose their cool and shake their babies. (I didn't shake my baby, for the record).

So, I tried to feed him but he's full. I tried to burp him but that's not what he needs. I carried him, still fussy. Finally, I went to check his diaper and saw that he needed changing. He pooped.

When he realized that I understood what his problem was, he started to relax and smile.

It must be frustrating to be a baby too: can't talk except for the monotonous "waaaahhh" and you have to be extra patient 'til your mom/dad discovers what you're "waaaahh-ing" about.

It was when I was changing his diaper that I thought to myself, "Hmmmm....this baby is an effective communicator. He won't stop 'til mom/dad responds."

I mean, what would happen if my baby stopped crying and making his needs obvious? What if he suddenly decides to just wait 'til mommy feels like "feeding me or changing my diaper or burping me?" He will starve to death and stink! God knows how I like to be free sometimes and not have to worry about a baby!

Then I realized, "I haven't been crying enough to my "Father" lately. By this, I mean prayer.

Sometimes (such as this time), I can take prayer for granted and wait it out. I mean, it's good to wait upon the Lord, but that doesn't mean stop praying.

On the contrary, Jesus encourages much prayer -- even relentless prayer. I can only refer to the parable of the Persistent Widow in Luke 18 and Jesus' teaching on prayer in Luke 11. Jesus himself displayed this persistence in prayer life with "loud cries and petition" to God (Heb 5:7).

Dr. Sears, author of "The Baby Book", suggested that babies are created so cute so that we can't bear to see them suffering or crying for a long time. As parents, they trigger certain kinds of hormones in us such that we feel sad when they are sad, and disturbed when they cry. Even my breasts respond when he cries or when it's time to feed him (breastfeeding moms know what I'm talking about).

I thought...hhhmmmm...may be that's why we're fearfully and wonderfully made. We certainly are made in God's image too. I'm pretty sure He can't resist us either when we cry to him with loud cries and petitions.

I smiled back at my baby and actually thanked him for teaching me a valuable lesson about prayer. Then I carried him and kissed him. And as I write this article, he is sleeping peacefully.

To my husband

Dear baby,

I was reading thru this blog and I felt sad and grateful at the same time.

I felt sad that I was so confused and lonely during our adjustment times to a blended family situation. This blog reminded me of how far God has carried us along and how much He's changed our circumstances.

I felt grateful to God for being faithful to us, keeping our family together, and giving us the right people to help us when we needed them. I thank God for changing our hearts and protecting our marriage.

I am grateful to you for loving me. You stood by me as I was going thru a very confusing phase in my life. It must have been hard for you to understand me, but I know that you love me, and that's why you faithfully went thru the experience with me. You never gave up on me. Thank you so much baby. I love you.

Today, we've come a long way -- with God's mercy and the love of the people around us. We are about to have a child of our own and I love him so much. I can't wait to hold him. We've also worked out our dynamics in the family. Alyssa seems happy to be with us and I am happy to have her in our family. She is a precious girl and I know why you love her so much.

God has blessed us financially. Even though I don't have a job right now, we have everything we need and more. The child support we give every month doesn't hurt us at all. God has given us even more than we can imagine.

I appreciate you working hard for us baby. Thank God for you and your big, big heart. You are one of a kind and there's no one else in this world I'd rather be with.

I love you and have a great day! You're always in my prayers.

Love your wife,
Ingrid

P.S. Click on the link to my blog if you want to see what I wrote before.

False hopes, false expectations

I expected that marriage is going to be fairy tale where my husband always cares about me and always comes to my rescue.

I thought that my husband was the most vulnerable man I've ever met and that we will understand each other and connect in a deep level.

I expected that because we are both disciples, we will put each other's interests above ourselves.

I expected that because I am a disciple, I can accept all situations whole heartedly and follow Jesus joyfully.

I expected that my husband will lead me spiritually and we will help each other become beter disciples.

I expected that we will both enjoy spending special times with God and praying long prayers to God.

I expected that it will be easy for me to become a stepmom and love my stepchild and her mom effortlessly.

I expected that God will give us victory for our every good, godly intention and goal.

I expected that I will overcome my struggles in a short period of time.

I expected that my husband has everything under control and will provide a roof above my head and our future family.

I expected that my husband is a good businessman who handles his finances well.

I expected that building friendships will be easy because we all belong to God's family.

I expected that life in the states will be more comfortable and our needs will be more easily met.

I expected that I will learn to adjust to changes easily because I have gone through so much in my life and have met a lot of people in my life.

I expected that because I am a disciple, my life will be blessed and my family will be blessed through my life.

Actions to take

Actions I have to take:

1. Change my healthplan.
October 29.

2. Schedule a doctor's appointment.
The next available day after confirming health insurance.

3. Browse lifestyle and health books in the library. Look for health and beauty tips.
October 23 after breakfast.

4. Brisk walking or exercise every morning for 20 minutes.
Don't compromise.

5. Goals:
* Get my driver's license and get my own car
* Be pregnant this year
* Buy/Rent our own place by next year or in 2 years
* Find a craft or a hobby, be an active club member of something
* Support Bulacan church every month
* Careerwise: Bring to realization the "home-schooling" idea
* Study while with Wells Fargo. Become a banker
* Go gold with my sales without taking advantage of anyone
* All family disciples

6. Personal support system:
* Find a local stepmothers' group in MN
* Babes, Kathryn, Terry, Kathy, Marie Arcellana

7. Consider taking therapy.


6. Schedule get togethers

Enlightened stepmom's portrait, Part 2

1. What are some of your characteristics that you are not so happy with?
* Needing approval and appreciation a lot
* Wanting to be right all the time
* Emotional and needy
* Lacks fun and excitement in life
* Easy to lose interest or give up
* Can be critical at times
* Can be harsh at times
* Not very sociable (not outgoing)
* Not sure what to do with life and career for long term
* Poor in math and logic
* People-pleasing (wanting everyone to be happy)

2. Activities that make me feel good?
* Reading books ( a trip to the library )
* Prayer times with good friends
* Hotel check-in
* Studying the Bible with people
* Hanging out with my family (esp Filipino side)
* Going on prayer times with my husband (which is seldom)
* Exercise
* Rebonding my hair
* Shopping clothes that are in fashion
* Soulful worship
* Directing stage presentations
* Blogging my thoughts
* Talking to my best friends (I miss Kathy!)
* Eating good food
* Receiving monetary gifts from family
* Buying Christmas gifts and giving them

3. Things that make me sad
* My husband not sticking with our plans and agreements (destroying our trust fir his daughter)
* My husband not liking it when I pray long
* Our marriage not spiritually inspiring
* Thoughts of my husband's ex-fiance and daughter. Just the thought that I can never have a normal marriage and family life.
* When my sister makes poor choices in her relationship
* When any family member is sick
* When the church is struggling
* When my husband does not stick to his word and makes decisions that only favor him
* That we have a lot of debts and we can't move out from my in-laws coz we have to pay all those debts
* We can't afford to have a baby (may God provide)
* My husband being scared of his ex-fiance
* Sad and troublesome news
* Not balancing at work
* Making mistakes (esp, dumb ones)

4. When was the last time you had a complete physical? Next papsmear and mammogram?
* December 2006
* Want to get pregnant this year
* Scared to find tumors coz a lot of women are having them

5. What pleases me?
* A clean home
* A sensitive, loving, spiritual husband
* Family of disciples
* Surprise gifts, heartfelt cards from loved ones
* Freedom
* Beautiful, peaceful scenery
* Exciting trip
* Seeing my family again

... I'd like to be less needy of my husband. Able to do things on my own. Find my identity and purpose that's not necessarily related to my marriage and family life. I'd like to be able to live even when he's not there and not be very affected by his own decisions for his life.

I'd like to be a woman who can hold it up without a need for her husband's affection.

Desperate prayer for desperate times

Dear Lord,

I now admit that I didn't know what I was going into when I decided to marry a single dad. I didn't know that I have to deal with so much emotional, psychological, and even spiritual pain.

Why does it hurt so much to share my husband with someone else. I can see that my husband adores his daughter a lot and enjoys being with her. He is excited to spend time with her whether planned or unplanned. He takes her in during weekend without consulting me and thinks that it's ok. That it won't bother me.

He is excited to spend time with her more than he is excited to go on a date with me. I find myself constantly battling to be loved and noticed and cherished and treated the way he does love, notice, cherish and treat his daughter. I find myself constantly reminding, even nagging my husband about my place in his priorities. Oftentimes he tells me that I am his priority, but what I feel is far from the truth.

Lord, I was not ready for this role yet I know that this is a choice I made. I oftentimes think that I have made a wrong choice. I had a choice but I chose to marry a single dad. It is ultimately my fault that I am in this situation and there is no one else to blame. And so, there is no I can run to for comfort, not even you. I keep thinking that you will only tell me, "You have made your choice. You have to stand by it and even bear it."

My husband almost died this year and I remember praying that you extend his life. I said I will take care of him even though he ended up vegetative. I wonder now, "Where you trying to spare me from a lifetime of despair and sadness?" Is this what I have to pay for asking You to prolong his life?

Lord, I never thought that I will have these thoughts. You know that I try to please You with my life as best as I can, but I know that I have to be honest with you. I feel trapped. I don't want to divorce him because that is not pleasing to you. I don't want to wish anyone's death in order to end this sorrow. I can't just go missing and leave my husband because that will be unrighteous and that will only make my life miserable. But, sometimes, I do think that it is better that you take me instead so that I can live my life in peace.

Lord, I never thought that I would be so desperate for love and attention and affection from my husband. The irony of it all is that I am actually feeling less and less "in love" with him. I can't find a reason to be married to him right now. Yet, why do I want his attention? Why do I want him to prioritize me?

Sometimes I wish I can just live a single life again. Sometimes I wish I can just live my life without him again. We can live in the same house but not have to care for each other. We can be friends but I don't need to submit to him and his decisions don't affect me. Sometimes I wish I can live my life unaffected by his decisions in life.

Lord, I pray that you rescue me from this ordeal. I am about to give up and am afraid to give up. I have seen how you've answered my prayers and I am afraid of how you'll choose to answer this prayer. I pray that it will result to something that edifies people and draw people closer to You. Something that glorifies you.

I am tempted to look for quick relief because I have battled with so much battles this year. So much of me just want to give up God -- to look for the easy way out -- so that I can have peace and rest. But I know that more often than not, the right path is narrow and is not easy. Lord, I am just tired of fighting. Please shorten my agony.

Lord, if only my husband can understand what I am going through. If only he can be more sensitive to me and more able to handle his role in my life. If only he can be a joy, and not a burden to me. Lord, I can't make him but you can.

Lord, please come rescue me as you've always done. I cling on to You for hope. There is nowhere else. I have turned to people, books, even the Bible, but have not found long lasting relief. Lord, only You know what can help me. Please show me Lord. Please show me. Amen.

Unhappy wife

I am becoming an unhappy wife.

I am unhappy that I have to sacrifice a lot in order to make our marriage work.

I have to help pay all my husband's debts.

I have to accept that he has a daughter from another woman who will forever be able to make demands of him.

I have to accept that 20% of my husband's income should go to his daughter.

I am constantly affected by his unplanned appointment scheduling with his daughter (without considering me).

I think that he is not able to make me his priority although he says that he does.